


stay with me, hold my hand

by 6francisf0rever6



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Asexual Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Boys In Love, Boys that are SAD :(, Connor just really needs a huf, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Gray-Ace Evan Hansen, Haha a HUF, M/M, Taking care of eachother, Theyre just so in love with eachother, not me projecting hiccuping while i cry onto connor, soft kithes, washing hair
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-17 22:09:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28981650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/6francisf0rever6/pseuds/6francisf0rever6
Summary: "Promise me you won't leave?"OR: They have a code word.
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Kudos: 47





	stay with me, hold my hand

Evan and Connor have a code word.

How it sparked was the two of them sitting on the bare carpet of Evan's room. The sun was beating down on them through Evan's cracked window, as Connor whined and sighed and guffawed at how hot it was.

Even though he was being bitchy and annoying and whiny, there was this fond feeling that flipped around in Evan's stomach. He felt like seeing Connor so up close, so unguarded, was something that he needed to treasure. 

One night, after Evan held Connor to his chest, kissing down his neck and his chest and his shoulders, caressing his face like it was something to be kept safe, Connor looked at him, all starry eyed and pretty. All high cheekbones and crooked, long nose. Rested his hair against his shoulder and whispered, 

"Promise me you won't leave?" It felt like he was intruding just by listening by how Connor spoke so softly, so intensely. He breathed out against the bare of his neck, and Evan shivered, only holding on tighter.

"I promise." He answered back, and he meant it. 

He's not planning on leaving any time soon.

He really doesn't ever want to leave. Doesn't want to go anywhere Connor doesn't go. Wants to keep him right here where he can see him.

That's probably super weird.

Connor let out this breathy, soft huff of air, and mumbled: "Okay. Okay, I trust you."

Evan felt like that was important. Felt like it was a secret to bundle up and keep in his pocket, felt like he was important, holding this secret.

Connor was something to treasure.

As the heat in the room only got worse, Connor flipped over onto his stomach, fanming his face with his hands. 

".. What's your favorite type of tree?"

Evan raised an eyebrow at him. It seemed like Connor, to ask a random question like that. He was always ice-breakers and random politics and aliens. All over the place, inside and out.

Messy.

Evan liked messy.

".. Honey locust." Evan mumbled, yawning. He probably smelled awful. He hasn't showered in nearly three days. And with this heat, it really isn't helping him.

"Okay. So. Uh. This is probably a stupid thing to say, or even, like, mention, but-"

Evan furrowed his eyebrows. "Nothing you- you say to me is stupid."

"Yeah yeah i get it- I just. Anyways: Do you think it would be good for us to have like.. A code word?" Connor speed-talks, all nervous and gittery. He's like that. Like. Sometimes more than Evan. Evan's not really shy, he's just.. Anxious. But Connor's shy. Doesn't like talking to people much.

Evan doesn't like talking to people either, though, so. Win win.

" What do y-you mean?" Evan asked him, tilting his head to the side, not exactly following.

"Like. We're both super fucked up and mentally ill or whatever, so like... on bad days? Do you think? We could have a code word." 

Evan was now, in fact, following. He shrugged. "I don't really see- see why not? Like. It's healthy communication and stuff. That's a good idea, Con."

Connor got this sheepish, proud look on his face that Evan likes. Likes so, so much. "Yeah?" Connor asked.

"Yeah." 

And that was it.

Now, Evan is looking at Connor, on his doorstep, eyes glazed over and tilted downwards towards the concrete.

Evan looks at him for awhile. Tries to get him to meet his eyes. "Hey," He tries. Connor finally looks up, but his eyes are all glassy and look like they're about to brim with tears. He bites his lip. 

"H.. Honey locust?" Evan asks, looking at the way he's picking at his long sweater, the threads coming loose.

Connor nods.

"Okay. Okay, can you come in for me?"Evan knows how to talk to him, when he's like this. Adding a ' _for me'_ to the end of his sentence helps him get Connor to do things. Helps Evan get him to eat, and to lay down. It's a small detail, but it's something that works.

He walks in, kicking his boots off. His Mom isn't home since it's summer. Heat strokes and dehydration cases come in ' _five hundred damn times a day'_ , as she says.

Connor sits on the couch, curling into a ball and shoving his face into his knees.

Lets out this long, drawn out sob. It sounds like something in the air snapping, breaking. Evan reaches over to him and pulls him in close to his chest. Rolls little squares, and triangles, and zig-zag lines into his back.

For awhile, Connor doesn't let himself rest. Forces himself to stay tense, but after awhile, he melts right into his chest.

He's crying so hard that he's starting to hiccup as he does. Stumbling over his words and then giving up all together. 

"It's okay, con, It's okay," Evan reassures him, and Connor claws almost painfully at his back.

Evan wonders if, when he does this in Connor's arms, he feels the same as Evam does right now. 

He runs his hands through his hair and notices how his hand gets caught. 

When Connor is steadily breathing, Evan finally talks. "When's the last time that y- you washed your hair?"

Connor shrugs. Not even having the amenergy to try to seem offended. "No fu- fucking _idea_ , honestly." 

"Okay," Evan pauses, "I can do it for you? Only if y- you, uhm, want."

That's probably a really stupid question to ask, and he's being so fucking stupid because it's not like he can wash his hair in the sink, so he'll have to do it in the bath, and Connor would probably have to get like naked or something for that but he does have a spare pair of swinning shorts but that would be like super weird because they're a couple and couples are supposed to be like attracted to eachother when they're naked and he's never really felt that before and-

"Uh. Sure. Uhm. But i'm like.. I don't really think im comfortable w- with being like fully naked, not yet, so like.."

"I have swimming shorts..? If that's okay."

Connor nods and gets up.

Okay.

Okay, shit, fuck. This is it then.

When Evan gives Connor the swimming shorts and they're a little saggy on him, he doesn't really feel surprised. Connor is kinda thin, for someone that wins so much fist fights.

This is so weird.

This is probably like. Not A Normal Thing Couple's Do.

Whatever.

Connor sits in the tub, even though he's really tall so he has to shift a little bit to get comfy, and Evan turns on the water.

' _Shit- that's cold, Ev.'_

Evan mumbles out an apology even though he's really not sorry.

Connor's eyes are still red and puffy.

He detatches the shower head, and runs it over Connor's head. He sighs.

Fuck it. Evan grabs some of his Mom's shampoo (Men's shampoo is absolutely awful, and bad for your hair) and massages it into is head, watching how much longer it looks while it's wet.

Connor's eyes flicker closed. He's probably sleepy, all that crying he did earlier. He leans into Evan's hands and makes little mumbles of ' _ow_ ' or _''s nice_ ' or huffs when a little of the shampoo gets into his eye.

He washes all the shampoo out, and Connor whines something about how sleepy he is, and how the conditioner stinks, but they get through it.

When Evan brushes his hair off, he braids it up into a bun so it'll look nice and curly when Connor decides to take it out.

Evan looks over his hard work smugly, and Connor rests his head on the seating of the tub.

"Evan?"

"Yeah?"

"Thankyou."

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed!!!- Bea
> 
> Title is from I Will by Mitski.


End file.
